an attribute to my father

I just came back from China after attending the one year anniversary of my father’s passing. My DBA journey has a long, special attachment to my father, – in fact, all my academic pursuit was deeply influenced by him. When I wrote the research proposal for enrolment application, my father was here staying with me, together with my mum, looking after my daughter, at that time who was too young to go to childcare. Every day after dinner and putting kids to bed, I would disappear into my room preparing for the 2,000-word proposal. My parents were delighted and supportive when I was accepted into the program. They were the only supporters I had because my husband did not agree with my “crazy” study commitment. When I got into April for the first year, struggling to meet assignment deadlines, my father encouraged me not to give up and he was so proud of me, telling my brothers and sisters that I was doing a doctoral degree. Like him, giving-up is not in my genes, neither. So I continued. His sudden passing last year is a huge strike to me and I have never really recovered from the sadness. At times I would be so painful when I think of him, I often cry quietly under the quilt or in the bathroom at midnight, missing him madly. I also got superstitious, searched on Google and other websites looking for evidence or traces of signs that spirit could live on after a person’s death. At such moments, I wish I had some religious beliefs so I could hang onto them to make my life easier. I become more sensitive to life or death topics. When I kiss my kids, I say to myself, “I love you, kids. I hope you remember the love when I die one day.” Sometimes I feel I’m silly thinking of death all the time.

After my father’s passing, I went through a few rounds of drawbacks. I first decided to withdraw from the DBA program and stopped all study activities. Then I quit my job. During the first month of my staying home, I felt like continuing the study to complete the wish for my father and myself, so I resumed the DBA after suspending for two months. After nine months of being a full-time student, I started a new job in October, because I found I was not as productive at home as I thought – I did not spend more time on study than when I was working full timely. During these changes, I always wanted to ask my father, – if he could hear me somehow, “am I doing the right thing?”, “what’s your opinion?”…. I feel I still need his answers for important life decisions, just like before when he was only a phone call away.

2013 has been a very, very difficult year for me mentally. I miss my father so much. I hope, somehow, he is watching me and blessing me to finish this DBA journey, which I could not have started without his encouragement. I do this not only for me, but also for him. I hope he’ll continue to be proud of me, if he could know. I love you, dad.